that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
