I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
