i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
