I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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