True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
