So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
