i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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