I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
