Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
