Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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