the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
