Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
