I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Did I turn a man straight...??
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery