I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
