thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
