I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
