The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
