somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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