can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
