WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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