she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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