i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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