Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
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