my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
