Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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