you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
