Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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