My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
