Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
