Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
