You smell like a Billy Joel song
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
