i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
