It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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