my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
