toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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