I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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