Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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