I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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