I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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