Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
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i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
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Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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