Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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