We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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