apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
