I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
