Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
