she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
