I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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