yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
one might say we're banned from that church
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
