He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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