Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
