I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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