I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
