Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
