i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
