My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
