first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
