this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
