Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
