We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
smell my finger.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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