Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
