Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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