I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
