Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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